I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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