I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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