I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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