Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
