I've blown a few things in my day
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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