Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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