A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I am available for nakedness
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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