Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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