i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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