Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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