How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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