My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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