The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
