Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
