she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Randomize
