I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
