His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
