Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You've changed since you got that strap on
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
