My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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