I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
