I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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