Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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