my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
