my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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