he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
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