I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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