All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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