Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
