Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
