On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
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