Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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