Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
