he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
True college students do jello shots in the library
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