I cannot find my penis.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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