My liver just broke up with me...
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
why does every cop we meet know your name?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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