Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
