Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Randomize
