Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
