there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
She bit a glass in half.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
