tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
