That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
