I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just had sex on a roof
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
