sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
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