mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
