My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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