I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
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