I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Randomize
