So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
