hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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