I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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