I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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