hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
