I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize