She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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