Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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