I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
