seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
