i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
